Finale

In every "sunrise" there is "sunset". In every "rain" there is a "rainbow". In every "old" there is "new". I guess it is just the way it is that in every "Hello" there is "Goodbye" for with "birth" there is always "death" then it is just right to think nor say that in every "beginning" there is an "End". No matter how much we try to hold on to something and keep them intact, sometimes it just no good, as things never goes smooth as we want them to be. So why make life miserable when obviously we can't be able to patch things up? Why waste time manipulating everything, when everything, even the time and fate doesn't want to cooperate? Why force every circumstances to be in the way we want it to be, when every outcome tells us that it won't work anymore? Why then prolong the agony? Why not just move on and let go? Isn't it unpleasant to make something or someone stay when you are already a complete stranger to it or to them? It would be useless and unpleasant to make them stay, when all they wanted is to escape away from your shadow. And if in a way you succeed keeping things the way you want it to be, I don't think you can ever deny the fallacy of your happiness, even if you can masquerade it well. Why not then just accept the fact that the things your keeping or the world that you were building is tumbling down and there's no way you can repair it. Why not just forgive and forget? And look what lies ahead beyond the silver lining. There maybe an "end" to every beginning, but there's always a "beginning"  to every end. As the saying goes "in every storm there's a rainbow after the rain"... I might have suffer the fang of pain being human, I may have loved and haven't loved back but I am always thankful of every experience. It maybe a mournful one but definitely it made me strong. It widens my life views, and it makes me more optimistic when it comes to love. This blog which is inspired by a past love is a Water Under The Bridge, and must now have to close its curtain. And together with its closure is the hope and promise of a new beginning that starts from this end. Then it's just right to close this book and take another journey wherein I can make another series of pages of my history may it be about LOVE, DREAMS, HAPPINESS or even FAILURES and SADNESS; Whatever it  will be I have to end this and make a new beginning and give "Memoirs of the Heart" a finale...

If You Will Fly Far Away

“If you fly far away to the blue unknown,

Remembering to keep me in mind,

On that speed-less path that will never end …

With a few tears, with one look behind,

Oh! Leave behind with love

The deep yearnings of your heart,

By giving whatever you have!”  

“Fireflies will not light the lamp…

There you can’t settle your mind…

 Having lost everything in the end,

Won’t have anything to bring it back.

 You have travelled a long way…

I beckon you to return to this shade. 

Sit here a few moments and forget…

Take away a handful of fancies, instead!”

Nothingness...

July 12, 2010 at 10:40pm

    Got headache now... Never got even a minute of sleep last night...Could be my most horrible and unforgettable night I ever had. A night of extreme agony with intense feeling of longingness and wanting more.I had been begging for almost 33 months, last night I beg again, but I guess it isn't true what they say that "Love begets Love". Now I am empty... Seems to me everything is nothing, hollow and mundane. Can't feel any pleasure even when a music is played, nor I feel inspired or excited about what's going on around. Now I feel no sorrow, melancholy nor anguish, just a continual nothingness...Feeling emotionally frigid inside, empty and numb. As everything has been said and done, as the story ends and the curtain closes, for the first time of my life I feel nothing... As if mentally and emotionally isolated from my own being...

June 19, 2010 at 7:50am

Just a Note

   June 14 received a surprising message at night but have not able to communicate. June 15 first time we talk after 5 months. 2 days going smooth but not so in my side. Kind of anxious for myself, hate this kind of feeling, wish I can read minds so that everything will end soon, but as for now I just have to hang on and see what happens next. But one thing is clear I am putting my self in danger again... What can i do!!!??? 

DECEMBER

The most remarkable month in the year 2008... The month when I had known someone who has changed my insight about life... I thank God for letting me know him and I want to believe that he is a blessing... I am very delighted by his thoughts and deeds towards me and I am hoping that our relationship will stay intact as days will go by... I am looking forward to meet him soon as he has promised... And I am really hoping that when that day comes, everything will be just fine... I'm praying too, that I'll get lot of support from my family and I wish for the almighty to grant my wish and pray that he will give me my dream....

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

I wish in my dreams I could juxtapose events in this pitiful life of mine to compare eccentric diffusion of good to evil. But it is near obvious that this bitter gourd me reflects loath and grudge taking a crack at deception. My heart plummets deeply realizing I am living a false hope.
I am on a dosage loosing strength fighting hate and regrets. Perhaps an eternal leave would alleviate this grave of bitterness of oblivion I earned…

December 16, 2008 – 7:48

CyberStratt Café

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

Why does it hurt so bad...

How do I'll get over you co'z I'm dying, crying inside,
How could I let you go, I know gotta get you out of my head...
Maybe leaving you is much better ,
But when I try and decide to forget you,
it makes me so real sad...
I said never again to feel this kind of pain.
But when I think its over and think its through. 
Just can't control to find myself right back in love with you!!!
And wen I think I don't love why does it hurts me so bad ?
I thought I had let you go but why does it really hurt so bad!!!...

Jan 20, 2009 2:19 PM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

Unwell

Been feeling unwell for this past few days... Feeling tired physically, so helpless emotionally...I need a break, but the thought might just worsen everything...
I need to keep myself busy to forget everything but still it keeps on hunting so how cud evade?i hate this part..

Jan 21, 2009 2:34 PM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

It's just ME, Maybe that's Why


Don't you wanna hear? i don't think that I have the strength to let you go...
Couldn't you believe that everything I said wasn't deceiving...
And this tear in my eye and your calm face, 
makes me wish that I was never brought in this place...

Maybe it's just me... and I was crying wasting my time thinking of you...
Well I wish you'll come back and make the matters better...
But its just me, Maybe that's why your gone and stay away from me...

Jan 23, 2009 5:24 PM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

I tried so hard to love you in my way, I am empty since you left, no one should be blame. Though it's not easy to let go I'm trying so hard to find a way to carry on....

January 24 - 1:52 AM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===


2 A.M.

It's two a.m. and you're on my mind once again
I must have been dreaming
I thought I felt your heartbeat just then


Then I wondered how it would be
If I was your lady and you were my man
I would put my heart in your hands
And it would never end


I hold your picture next to my heart all the time
Every day and night I want to hold you

   Understand that I am going to love you

           In my own special way

Jan 27, 2009 1:18 AM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

I sit here like a fool
Remembering everything
The way we used to talk
The songs that we used to sing
I've got to try and leave
The past behind
But my memory's so good
I think that I'm losing my mind

January 26,2009 - 9:30 P.M.

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

It’s late at night and no one’s around,
It’s only my heart that’s making a sound.
I lay awake alone all night in this corner,
Can’t sleep wishing I could talk to you instead.
I think of you far too much,
You know I can’t deny the way I feel inside.
Can’t even disguise, your always on my mind.
And now I can’t get enough.
It’s in my blood and all through my veins,
I feel it once and it will never be the same.
Whenever I close my eyes your there,
Why do I still have to hang on to your love?
Maybe just can’t deny the way I feel inside.

January 29, 2009  - 1A.M.

===XXX(O0O)XXX===


WHY

Why do it affect me still, hinder me still, unnerve me still, and trigger me still? Would you feel slighted if i say maybe because I love you still? Can I complain? I know I cannot because I'm the one who reaches for it. And maybe you find it a thing of mockery or maybe thing to underestimate. It could be proven by your silence but could I whine? I would be lying if I say i am completely unscathed. Don't question, co'z I cannot walk without crutches no wonder why i cannot win by all your non reactions. Your unavailable and look disinterested. Now nowhere to turn to to find some comfort. I swear I had tried a million times and in a million ways to convince myself to change. Your withholding is a cue to crave for. Several days in several ways I had tried to squeezed out my love of you by feasting on scraps you've thrown on me in several hours and several times. I had bent for you and deprived myself, depressed and contorted, stifled and silenced but I'm done. 

It would take long before I reclaim myself, to be in my path again. Though it won't be easy for me to disengage as I cringe living without you in my thougths and alter everything for my own good but I am deprived. I have waited, adjusted, deffered. I have sacrificed, but I am now at the edge of self deprivation state with such an excruciating pain, and it's too much and I am done, as I am suffering the consequence of this inquisition. You may all have the reasons making up your mind and i may have all the delusions... 

just want you to know everything is forgiven...but why?

Jan 30, 2009 1:55 AM 

===XXX(O0O)XXX===


You are still here...

I can be a nightmare of the grandest kind.
I can withhold like it's going out of style.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen.
And you've never met anyone who's as positive as I am sometimes.
You see everything, you see every part.
You see all my light and you love my dark.
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed.
There's not anything to which you can't relate.
And you're still here...
 I blame everyone else, not my own partaking.
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.
And you've never met anyone who's as everything as I am sometimes.
What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
Is that you're still here...

Feb 3, 2009 4:31 PM

===XXX(O0O)XXX===

I know I knew this chaos I was getting in.
But I have broken my promise,
How dumb I am to let it happen.
And why have you done it so easily?
You make it hard for me to smile now,
Also you make it hard for me to breath.
Phrasing a single tear is harder than I ever feel,
And I am left feeling so alone,
Because these days aren't easy,
Like they have been once before.
These days aren't easy anymore,
I should have known everything wasn't for real,
I should have fought this feeling felt so intensely.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 at 4:57pm

===XXX(O0O)XXX===
 
Been Trying To Reach Out...

Trying to reach out to you for these past few days, saying hi's, saying hello's eating my pride not for something but just for the sake of knowing how you have been. But no response at all. Not even traces of your concerns. What can I do? All I wanted is your friendship but now its clear your not open for it. Well that's life sometimes we have to be hurt too much to learn something. Maybe it's time.

 Time to let go, time to forget, time to erase, time to move on.Time to leave this past behind and carry on to another chapter of this life. 

Thanks anyway for the memories but you know what? I will be glad if you will come and have a knock on my door one day... that's for sure...

Feb 26, 2009 12:42 PM